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英文笑话,Boss's idea

发布时间:2018-07-09     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
Boss's idea

When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first." 由于我的打印机不能打印出清晰的字来,我就打电话给维修部。电话是一位非常和蔼的男人接的,他说我的打印机也许只是需要清理一下。 他还说,如果让维修部清理的话要交50英镑的清理费,让我最好看看使用手册自己试着清理。 当时我真的被他的话感动了,就问他:“你们老板知道你这样拒绝生意么?” “事实上,这就是我们老板的主意,”雇员答道:“因为如果我们让用户先自行修理打印机的话就能挣更多的钱。”

The Use of a Handsaw

At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse. Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside. Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please. The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special. 在集市上,我和妻子买了一些五金用品,包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧,”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的,但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说:“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我,看了看我的锯,说道:“我能看出,先生,你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”

相亲

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" 和盲约对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说:“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了!”

你爸爸帮你了吗?

One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?" "No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim." 一天,蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业,发现他全做对了。 老师很高兴,同时也十分惊讶。 他把蒂姆叫到桌前说:"蒂姆,你这次的作业全都做对了,怎么回事?你爸爸帮你做了吗?" "不,先生,我爸爸昨天很忙,我不得不全由自己做。"

请把胡子还给我

A man who sold brooms went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms. “Two pence,” said the man. “No, no,” said the barber. “I will give you a penny, and if you don’t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!” The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave. “A penny,” said the barber. “I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.” 一个卖扫帚的人去理发店修面。理发师从他那里买了一把扫帚。当理发师给他修面后,问一下他扫帚的价格。 买扫帚的人说:“两个便士。” “不,不。”理发师说:“ 我只出一个便士,如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去。” 卖扫帚的人拿回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱。 “一便士。”理发师说。 卖扫帚的人说:“我给你半个便士,如果不够的话,请把我的胡子还给我。”

他正在拍照

Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus. 姐妹俩在看一本宗教画册时,刚好看到一幅圣母玛利亚和圣婴耶稣的图画。 "See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother." 姐姐说:“瞧,这是耶稣,这是他的妈妈。” "Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know. “他的爸爸在哪里?”妹妹想知道。 Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture." 姐姐想了一会儿,解释道:“噢,他正在拍照。”

相同的职责

The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you." 相同的职责一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵,勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时间来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样,”将军说,“这没什么,你很快就会再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八点钟时,前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的卧室,拉开窗帘,轻轻地摇了摇将军,然后大步走到床的另一侧,在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下,说道:“好了,甜心,你该回到村庄去了。”

他什么都没听到

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid." 我在邮局上班,对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以,有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时,我还是非常平静地问她,“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了,”女顾客说,“我回到家的时候,我看到一个卡片,卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹,但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后,我把包裹给了她。“噢,太好了”,那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。

I don't think I know

Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" John: "What do you think it is, sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" John: "I don't think I know either, sir!" 老师:“John,动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。 约翰:“你想它是什么呢”? 老师:“我不用想,我知道!”。 约翰:“我想我不知道”。

机长的录音

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording. 这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员,欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去,你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看,你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋,那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏,上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有我们的一名女乘务员。这是一段录音。

他什么都没听到

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid." 我在邮局上班,对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以,有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时,我还是非常平静地问她,“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了,”女顾客说,“我回到家的时候,我看到一个卡片,卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹,但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后,我把包裹给了她。“噢,太好了”,那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。

Keep feeding him nickels

A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!" 母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去,她立刻将他抱起,头朝下不停地拍打他的后背,他咳出了两枚一角的硬币,她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道: “你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币,可咳出两枚一角的硬币!我该怎么办呢?”孩子他爸大声回答道:“再喂他几枚镍币!”

there's only ONE policeman

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?”“唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”

除了音乐

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?" "Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is." 一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐,就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象,她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候,她问小萨莉:“你今天玩得好吗?” “噢,好极了,小姐,” 萨莉说,“除了音乐其它都很好。”

Where's the father? 父亲在哪?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!” “是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?” 哥哥想了一会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

我当时还不缺钱

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room. "Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago." "Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?" "To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then." 一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。 "大夫!"他说,"帮帮我!一个月前我吞了一分硬币!" "天哪,"大夫说,"早干嘛去了?你当时怎么不来看?" "实话告诉您吧,大夫,"穷人说,"我当时还不缺钱!"

Lose One Pound减掉一磅

I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."   Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?" 我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是,我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时,体重225磅,而目前体重是224磅。我还说:“这对我这样年龄的男子来说,是不错的。”    一个女子听到了这些话,她说道:“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅?”

Talking on the Telephone

Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer. "You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began. The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though." Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?" 每个星期天牧师都会把孩子们叫到教堂前面,然后给他们讲一个故事。一天,他为了更好地阐述祈祷的含义,带来了一台电话机。 “你们和别人在电话里交谈,并没有看到电话线另一端的人,对吗?”他开始问道。孩子们点头称是。“好的,和上帝交谈就象通过电话交谈一样。他就在另一端,虽然你看不见他,但是他正在聆听你的心声。” 就在这时,一个小男孩尖着嗓子问道:“那他的电话号码是什么?”


 
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