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英文笑话,这有多娇生惯养啊

发布时间:2018-06-17     来源:大王  浏览次数:2
这有多娇生惯养啊

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled(被宠坏的) . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气) . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did! 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点,可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭,就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。 约翰放学了,他奶奶在门口接他并问道:学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有? 哭?约翰问,不,我没哭,可老师哭了。

我丈夫刚进来

The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table,their waiter suddenly rushed over.   在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇,他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时,服务员马上跑了过来。   “Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”   “夫人,您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”   “No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”   “不,他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。”

Birthday 生日

Professor: When is your birthday? Kid: May 30. Professor: Which year? Kid: Every year. 教授:你的生日是什么时候? 孩子:5月30日。 教授:哪一年? 孩子:每年都是。

怕老婆的丈夫

The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see,”said the king,“that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty,”came the reply in a squealing voice,“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.” 古代有一个国王,他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样,受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前,警告说,哪个男人胆敢不说实话,就会受到严厉的惩罚。然后,他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧,只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说:“看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉,真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋,为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。” “陛下,”那人尖声地回答:“因为在我出门之前,我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。”

有效

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" 汤姆早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是,汤姆去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”,汤姆说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的,”老板说,“问题是,昨天你人哪去了”?

理发师

Harry: "My big brother shaves every day." 哈里:“我哥哥每天都刮脸。” Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day." 亨利:“我哥哥每天刮50次脸。” Harry: "Is he crazy?" 哈里:“他疯了吗?” Henry: "No, he's a barber." 亨利:“没有,他是一名理发师。”

Three pastors 三个牧师

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(阁楼) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(钟楼) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away. The third said, I baptized(洗礼) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since! 三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道:“你们知道吗,自从夏天来临,我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰,我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。” 另外一位说:“是啊,我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍,它们还是赶不走。” 第三个牧师说:“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼,让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”

我还以为那是我的手

Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine. 教授:天哪!有人偷了我的钱包! 妻子:你难道没感觉到一只手伸进你的口袋? 教授:感觉到了,可我还以为那是我的手呢?

上英语课

上英语课,老师问:“知识是什么?”全班人回答:“knowledge !”就我一个特么特大声的说:“力量!!!”

A Smart Parrot 聪明的鹦鹉

A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings1. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper. "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires. "I fall off my perch2 you fool!!" screeches3 the parrot. 有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里,他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住,右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解,于是他问该店的老板,老板回答说:“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线,它就讲法语,拉绿线,它则讲德语。” 这个好奇的人接着问,“要是我两条线都拉,会怎么样呢?” “我就会掉下来了,你这个傻瓜!!”鹦鹉尖叫着说。

我为什么逃避手术

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. 一位男士在进行手术前被发现正沿着医院的大厅逃离。 "What's the matter?" he was asked. “发生了什么?”有人问他。 He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" 男士回答道:“我听见护士说,‘这只是一个简单的手术。不用担心,我相信不会出问题的。’” "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" “她这样做是想让你感到安心啊,有什么好害怕的?” "She was talking to the damn doctor!" “可她是在对那该死的手术医生说!”

Who Discovered Australia?谁发现了澳大利亚?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny. Johnny: It's there, sir. Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia? Sammy: Johnny, sir. 老师:约翰尼,在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。 约翰尼:先生,在这儿。 老师:对了。萨默,你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚? 萨默:先生,是约翰尼。

谁是世界上第一个男人

A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly. “How do you make out that George Washington was the first man?”asked the teacher,smiling indulgently.“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?” “I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.” 一个老师问她的学生:“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说:“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生:“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说:“因为,他是第一个挑起战争,第一个主张和平,并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时,有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来,老师问他,“你认为谁是世界第一个男人?”男孩回答说:“我不知道他的名字,但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿,因为历史书上说,乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了,所以在他之前,当然还有一个男的啦。”

how much

刚刚去营业厅冲话费,听到服务小姐说,how much?我愣了好久,没反应过来,心想英语都普及到这地步了?遂回答,50。他也愣了,又重复了一次,我这才听明白她刚才说的是,号码是?

博士与小厮

A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing, the boy rushed into his room, knocked some books out of their place, threw his parcelon the desk and said,“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said,“My boy, that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now, you sit in my chair,watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out, knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered,walked to his desk and said,“If you please sir, my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered,“Thank you, my boy, Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed, and after that, Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip. 在斯威夫特博士家附近,有一位富有的老妇人,她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物,但从不给小厮任何酬谢。一天,斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西,小厮冲进了他的房间,把书一扒拉,将一个包裹扔在书桌上,说道:“我的女主人送给你两只兔子。” 斯威夫特转过身来说:“孩子,包裹可不是这样送法呀。现在,你坐在我的椅子上,看看我是怎么送的,并要记取这个教训。” 小厮坐了下来,斯威夫特走出去,敲了敲门,等待回音。小厮说“进来”。博士进了门,走到桌旁说道:“先生,我的女主人向您致以亲切的问候,并希望您收下这些兔子,这是她儿子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小厮回答说:“谢谢你,我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的儿子致谢,谢谢他们的关心。这两个先令是送给你本人的。” 博士笑了,打那以后,斯威夫特从没忘记送小费给小厮。

相亲 Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!" 和盲约对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说:“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了!”

马克·吐温

On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York,the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned:it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran: MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain,we believe,never heard the last of it. 有一次,马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问,《星报》认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是,还有一条消息也要登上:关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的: 马克·吐温 光临 爱斯科杯 被盗 我们相信,马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。

only One Eye to Settle On

The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"   "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye. 姑娘找到媒人,说:“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼,你以前为什么不告诉我?” “怎么没告诉你?”媒人也不甘示弱,“你们第一回见面后,我就说,他一眼就看中你了。”


 
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