英语笑话,Way of Inducing 招客有方
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英语笑话,Way of Inducing 招客有方

发布时间:2018-06-12     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
Way of Inducing 招客有方

At the cleaner's, I noticed the sign "In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m. " so I told the owner that I wanted to pick my clothing up at five. "it won't be ready," he said.   "But your sign says, 'In by 10 a. m. , out by 5 p. m.'," I reminded him.    "Oh," he replied, "that means me. 在洗衣店,我看到招牌上写着:“上午10点进,下午5点出。”因此我就告诉店主我想在下午5点取衣。“下午5点还不能取,”他说。 “但是你的牌子上写着:‘上午10点进,下午5点出’,”我提醒他说。 “哦,”他回答说,“那指的是我。”

小女孩的愿望

On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time. 在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上,幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说,她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿,那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

You May Select可以选择

The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.   One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?" The wife said, "You may select the dish today."    The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"    "Cabbage."    "The others?"    "None."    "Then how to select?"    "Eat or not eat!" the wife said. 丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。    一天,丈夫回到家,问妻子:“亲爱的,今天我们吃啥菜?”    妻子回答:“今天你可以选择。” 丈夫感到非常高兴,又问:“都有哪些菜呢?”    “炒白菜。”    “还有呢?”    “没了。”    “那你要我怎么选呢?”    “吃还是不吃!”妻子一本正经地说道。

The Fish Net

Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? “你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?” 老师发问道。 A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl. “把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。

How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again, the answer was, "No!" "Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!" “如果我把房子和车卖了,在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人,我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。 孩子们齐声回答:“不能!” “那如果我每天都打扫教堂,给院子的草坪割草,并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁,我会上天堂吗?” 回答还是:“不能!”“好吧, ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?” 一个五岁的男孩儿叫道:“你得死了才行!”

If I Am a Manager

One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager. All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason. “I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer. 一天课上,老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。 所有的学生都在动笔写了,只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。 “我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。

A Life for a Life(以“命”抵命)

The English author,Richard Savage,was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life,but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops,and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill,butafter a time,owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him,he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment,saying to Savage,“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree,” said Savage,“that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage. 英国作家理查德·萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活,为了赚几个钱,他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本,萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物,他病得很厉害。后来,由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术,他才又恢复了健康。过了一两个星期之后,医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单,但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单,但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后,他又送来帐单要钱。最后,医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中,对他说:“你明白,你是欠我一条命的,我希望你有所报答。” “是的,”萨维奇说,“我是欠你一条命,为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答,我将把我的命给你。” 说着这番话,萨维奇递给医生两卷书,名叫《理查德·萨维奇的一生》。

The teacher cried 老师哭了

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on(溺爱,宠爱) him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气) . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms. When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!" 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点,可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭,就是闹。 他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了,他奶奶在门口接他并问道:“学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?” “哭?”约翰问,“不,我没哭,可老师哭了。”

一场特殊的足球比赛

Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream." "Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher. "Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike. 麦克上学迟到了。他对布莱克老师说:“对不起,老师,今天早上我迟到了。因为我在梦里观看了一场球赛。” “为什么它会让你迟到呢?”老师问道。 “因为这两个队都没有能力获胜,所以就持续的时间长了。”麦克回答说。

I didn't know that I was so far back already

A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this, one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle. After hehad walked for an hour,he saw an officer coming towardshim. The officer stopped him and said,“ where are you going?” “I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat's going on behind us, sir,” the soldier answered. “Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily.“I'm your commanding officer.” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said,“My God,I didn't know that I was so far back already!” 第一次世界大战期间,一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣,炮弹和子弹到处乱飞。这样过了一个小时后,一个士兵认定战斗对他来说变得太危险了,所以他离开前线开始逃离战场。步行了一个小时之后,他看见一个军官向他走过来。那军官叫住他说:“你要到哪儿去?” “长官,我正尽可能远地躲开我们身后正在进行的战役,”士兵回答说。 “你知道我是谁吗?”军官生气地对他说:“我是你的指挥官。” 那士兵听到此话感到非常惊讶,说:“天哪,我想不到我已经往回跑了这么远了!”

班级、情人和蠢驴

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way. 汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面,因此他在黑板上写道:“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后,觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了,就走上前,将“class”中的“c”擦掉,教授听到笑声,转过身走回来,看了看那位学生,又看看被改动过的通知,不动声色地走上前,把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉,看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生,教授扬长而去。

写给上帝的信

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes. 有个小男孩非常需要50美元,他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来,他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信,想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了,于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元,因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴,给上帝回了一封感谢信,信里写道:尊敬的上帝,非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而,我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的,因此,和往常一样,那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

结婚的花费

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 小男孩问他的父亲:“爸爸,结婚要花多少钱?” His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now." 他的父亲回答说:“儿子,我不知道,因为我现在还在为它付账呢。”

《律师、宝马和胳膊》

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. 一个律师打开他的宝马车门,突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了,警察赶到现场,律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。 “警察同志,看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。 "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" “你们律师真是物质至上,我很不舒服!”警察反驳说,“你这么关心你可恶的宝马,你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。” 律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀,“天哪,我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”

离婚

A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?" the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died." 有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁,他们站在法官面前,要求离婚。“我不明白,”法官说,“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?” 丈夫解释道:“嗯,你是知道的,我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”

老师哭了

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on(溺爱,宠爱) him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气) . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!" 六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点,可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭,就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了,他奶奶在门口接他并问道:“学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?”“哭?”约翰问,“不,我没哭,可老师哭了。”

你爷爷

A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather." 一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷:“喂,有什么好菜尽管端上来,钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味:“哥儿们,钱多顶个屁,你不照样得做别人的儿子,就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒:“谁敢占老子的便宜?你说,是谁不要命了,胆敢要老子做他的孙子?”服务员慢条斯理地答道:“你爷爷!”

汽车配件 Automobile Fittings

A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories(附件) in the neighborhood?" Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn(急转弯) ahead not far from here, and a clough(深谷) just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all." 一个卡车司机向一山民打听:“请问,这附近哪儿能买到汽车配件?” 山民说:“这条路上经常有人开英雄车,前面不远处是个急转弯,急转弯的下面就是深谷,那深谷里什么样的汽车配件都有——根本用不着花钱。”


 
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