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英语笑话带翻译,一个有效的方法

发布时间:2017-12-12     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
一个有效的方法

A Useful Way Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What"s that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple. 爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀? 杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。 爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢? 杰克:我忘了洗苹果呀。

别无选择

One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?" Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?" 一天,夏娃问亚当:“你当真爱我吗?” 亚当无可奈何地回答:“我还有的选择吗?”

还有什么漏填的

Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor." 杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。杰克填好递上表格“还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有!”杰克想了想说,“我是个单身汉。”

The Multi-Purpose Fly Swatter多功能苍蝇拍

The Multi-Purpose Fly Swatter (Originally in English) A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, "Did you use the tea strainer?" Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid. And the daughter said, "Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter." The mother said, "Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done that!" And the daughter said, "Oh mother, don't panic. It's just an old one. I didn't use the new one." 多功能苍蝇拍 母亲购物回来,想喝点茶,发现她15岁的女儿已经泡好茶了, 就问女儿:‘你用滤茶器了吗?’因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶, 所以要用滤茶器过滤出茶水来喝。女儿回答:‘妈,我有过滤, 但因为找不到滤茶器,所以就用苍蝇拍来过滤。’母亲听了就说: ‘噢!怎么搞的,你不能这样做啦!’女儿回答:‘妈,你不要紧张, 我只是用那支旧的苍蝇拍,没有用新的那支!’

Life after Death复活

Life after Death A primary schoolteacher asked one of her students: "Do you believe in life after death?" The boy answered: "Yes, I do!" The teacher said, "Well, it is good that you believe, because your grandpa came to school to see me today, though you told me yesterday that you needed to take a day off to attend his funeral!" 复活 有一个小学老师问她的学生:「你相不相信有复活的现象?」 他说:「相信啊!」老师说:「好,还好你相信, 因为昨天你跟我说你请假为你的祖父送葬, 他今天有来学校跟我打招呼!」

Who's Got Joe's Number免费电话秘书

Who's Got Joe's Number? A lady got a call in the middle of the night at two o’clock, and the phone kept ringing, so she picked it up. “Hi, this is Mary.” And the person at the other end said, “ I want to speak to Joe, please.” Mary said, “There's no Joe. I am alone here. I am Mary. This must be a wrong number!” She put the phone down: Bang! And she went back to sleep. Two minutes later, the phone rang again. “Hallo!” said Mary. The other person said, “I want to speak to Joe, please.” “There is no Joe here. Wrong number!” Bang! She went back to sleep. A couple of minutes later, the phone rang again: “Is Joe home?” Mary said, “I told you already! If you call again, I am going to call 911. It's a wrong number; there is no Joe here!” Mary banged the phone down and tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t. She worried that the phone might ring, so she sat next to the phone, waiting, with another phone on hand, just to call 911. And the phone really did ring again, five minutes later. So Mary was already scolding: “I told you it's a wrong number. There is no Joe over here. I told you: Stop it, or I’ll call the police!” And the other said, “Oh! Calm down, calm down! Here is Joe.” And Joe said, “Did anyone call me at that number?” 免费电话秘书 有位女士的电话在深夜两点铃声大作,响个不停,她拿起 话筒说:「喂,我是玛丽。」电话那头说: 「请找乔听电话。」玛丽说:「这里没有乔,只有我。 我是玛丽,你一定是打错了!」她「砰」一声挂掉电话,回去睡觉。 两分钟后,电话又响了。玛丽说:「喂!」 对方说:「请乔听电话。」” “「这里没有乔,你打错了!」「砰!」 一声她又挂上电话,回去睡觉。 几分钟后,电话又响了:「乔在家吗?」玛丽说: 「我跟你说过了!如果你再打电话来,我就要报警! 你打错了,这里没有乔!」玛丽把电话挂掉,想回去睡觉, 但是却睡不着,她担心电话又再度响起,于是就坐在电话机 旁等着,旁边还有另外一支电话准备报警用。 五分钟后,电话真的又响了。于是玛丽吼道: 「我说过你打错电话了,这里没有乔!我警告你 不要再打来,不然我要报警了!」 电话那一端说:「喔!冷静点!冷静点!我是乔, 有人打电话到那里找我吗?」

Loving Thy Enemy爱你的敌人

Loving Thy Enemy A man died, and he went to hell. And the King of Hades received him in front of his throne, together with another person, and he said, “You, Mr. Johnson, you owe this person, Madame Smith, so much money but you haven’t paid it back. So she’s suing you because you didn’t pay her back. But I don’t think you can ever pay her back if you come back the next life as a human again since you don’t have any merit in your account and you are not going to have any money at all again in the next lifetime. So, I am going to make you become a horse or maybe a buffalo so that you can work all your life. You can pull the cart and keep carrying her all your life until you repay your debt. Maybe it will spill over into the next life even.” The man, the money-owing person, said, “Oh, King, maybe that’s not a good idea. Even if I become a horse or buffalo or a dog or whatever, I will never be able to pay it off to her. So, why don’t you make me become her father, and I will pay my whole lifetime?” “From her date of birth, I will keep paying, paying and paying.” In that case, he will be paying very willingly, because he will love his daughter or son, whoever that might be or however she might have reincarnated. And in that case, whatever she wants, he will give, willingly, lovingly, and even proudly: “Yes, that’s my daughter. I paid a hundred thousand dollars for her to go to college. Look at what she is now. I’m still paying for her apartment. She wants a helicopter, and I’m going to get it for her.” So, that is really similar to “Love thy enemy”! You must love them now or else you’ll have to come back and love them even more. 爱你的敌人 有一个人死后下地狱,阎罗王在王座前审判他和另一个人。阎罗王 说︰「强森先生,你欠这位史密斯夫人这么多钱,但却没有还钱, 所以她控告你。不过就算你下辈子再来当人,我认为你也无法还钱, 因为你没有任何功德,下辈子也会一贫如洗,所以我要让你变成 一匹马或一只水牛,这样你就可以工作一辈子。你可以拉车载她 一辈子,直到还清债务为止,说不定还会牵连到下下辈子。」 这个欠钱的人说︰「阎罗王,这样也许不是个好主意。 即使我变成马、牛、狗等等,我还是无法把债务还清。所以何不干脆 把我变成她的父亲,我就会整个辈子卖命还债,从她出生开始, 我就会一直不停地还!」在这种情况下,他会非常心甘情愿地还, 因为不管她转世为男的或女的,或是任何模样,他都会疼爱自己 的儿女。而且在这种情况下,不管她要什么,他都会很乐意又有 爱心地给,甚至还会自豪地说︰「她是我的女儿,我付十万美元 让她上大学,看看她现在的成就!我还在帮她付房租。她想要 一架直升机,我也要想办法买给她。」这样确实跟「爱你的敌人」 没有两样了。所以你现在就必须爱他们,否则下辈子还要再回来, 付出更多爱心给他们。

救火啊!

Fire! This is a true story. In England there was a high official who hired a servant to attend to him. In those days, only people who had power and wealth could smoke. The rest did not even know what tobacco was. The servant came for the first time and saw the official sitting by the stove smoking. This servant was from the countryside and had never seen anyone smoking before. When he saw smoke coming out from his master's nose and mouth , he thought that there was a fire. He was about to serve his master some tea but when he saw the situation, he poured the tea up his master's nose , and cried out aloud, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" 「救火啊!」 这是真的故事,在英国有一个当大官的,他请了一个佣人 来侍候他。在那个时候,只有比较有权力、有钱的人才能够抽烟, 别人都不知道烟是什么。佣人第一次来,看到他坐在火炉旁边抽烟; 那个佣人是从乡下来的,从来没有看过人抽烟;当他看见烟从主人 的鼻子和嘴巴跑出来,他认为是火烧了,他刚好要端茶给主人喝, 看到他这个样子,就把茶倒进他鼻孔里面去,还在那边呼唤: 「救火啊!救火啊!救火啊!」,对啊!真的好无聊, 机器才会冒烟,人怎么会冒烟呢?是不是?

士可杀不可辱

老师问:‘士可杀不可辱’用英语怎么说?小明:‘You can kill me,but you can't fuck me’(你可以杀我,但不可以干我)。老师:……滚出去!

什么叫叛徒?

Young hopeful:“Father,what is a traitor in politics?” Father(a veteran politician):“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.” Young hopeful:“Well then,what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?” Father:“A convert,my son.” 有希望的青年人:“父亲,什么叫政治叛徒?” 父亲(一位老资格的政治家):“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。” 有希望的青年人:“那么,离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?” 父亲:“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

冰箱里的小兔子

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked. 一位女士打开冰箱门,发现一只兔子坐在其中的一层隔板上,就问它:“你在那里做什么?” The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" 兔子回答:“这是Westinghouse对不对?”(Westinghouse,西屋电气公司) The lady /confirm/ied, "Yes." 女士确认道:“没错。” "Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing." 兔子说:“那就对了,我就是要往西边去。” Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me? 兔子:你确信这瓶特制胡萝卜汁能治好我的病? Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another. 医生:当然咯,凡是喝过的兔子没有一只来要第二瓶的。 Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from? 兔宝宝:妈咪,我是从哪儿来的呢? Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older. 兔妈妈:等你长大点再告诉你。 Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now. 兔宝宝:噢妈咪,现在就告诉我吧,求您了。 Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat. 兔妈妈:如果你一定要知道,那我告诉你你是从魔术师的帽子里被拽出来的。

Psychiatrist 精神病医生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!! 杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生,我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候,我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间,”医生说,“每周来三次,我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了,“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

A Present 凯特的礼物

Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, Honey, what? Kate: A nice teapot. Mom: But I've got a nice teapot. Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it. 凯特:妈妈,你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗? 妈妈:不知道,宝贝,是什么呀? 凯特:一把漂亮的茶壶。 妈妈:可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。 凯特:不,你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。

Its part of the game 我在扮演妈妈

Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn't make a sound. Mary: Of course he doesn't. Mom, it's part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and I'm you. 妈妈:玛丽,你为什么这样大喊大叫的? 为什么不能像艾迪那样安安静静的玩儿呢?你看艾迪一声儿都不出。 玛丽:妈妈,艾迪当然不会出声了,因为我们俩正在玩爸爸回家迟到的游戏呢,他扮演爸爸,我扮演你。

Two roaches 两只蟑螂

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!" 两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着,其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里,”它说。“那里太干净了!厨房没有一点污渍,地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净,整个地方都在发光。”“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗?”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。

I Don't Need to Steal Any More

The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal,” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied,“True,I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts, a country mansion, jewelry,and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing, sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?” 一家大百货店的老板在查帐中发现,他最信任的雇员从公司偷走了一百多万美元。“我不要丑闻。”老板说。“我只要开除你。”那个雇员回答说:“不错,我是偷了你公司相当一大笔钱。现在我有游艇、一座乡村别墅、珠宝,以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了,你为什么要再雇个人来,让他从头做起呢?”

The boy and the snails 男孩和蜗牛

A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?" 一个乡下少年到处寻找蜗牛,当他双手都塞满了蜗牛后,就准备点火烤着吃。火点着了,蜗牛也开始感觉到热了,他们纷纷退向坚壳的深处,同时还发出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子听到了蜗牛发出的嘘声,便说:“你们这些连命都快没有的家伙,怎么还能有心情在窝里着火时吹口哨呢?”

终身保修

After burying his mother nine months earlier, a client of the local mortuary finally had enough money to purchase the expensive coffin he'd originally wanted. So we exhumed the body and transferred his deceased mother into the new steel casket. "What's so special about this coffin?" I asked the funeral director. He replied, "It has a lifetime warranty." 在将母亲下葬9个月后,当地殡仪馆的一个客户终于攒够了钱去买那副他早就相中的价值不菲的棺材了。他把母亲的棺材挖了出来,将尸体转移到了那副新的钢制棺材中。“这副棺材有什么特别?”,我问葬礼的承办人。他回答说,“这种棺材终生保修。


 
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