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发布时间:2017-12-28     来源:大王  浏览次数:26

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. 我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”,她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。 One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator. 一天,表妹四处寻找,最后竟然在冰箱里发现了扑满。 Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen." 扑满里有张纸条:“亲爱的妹妹,我希望你能够理解,我的资产现在已被冻结。”


One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau is known for his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're running!" 在开普吉拉多市的东南密苏里州立大学上学的时候,我喜欢的几个老师之中有一个以他的幽默感而出名。给新生上头一节课,他给学生解释在他课上的纪律,他说:“我知道我的课经常会很枯燥乏味,所以我并不介意你们在课上看表。然而,我坚决不允许你们把表重重的摔在课桌上,以此来检查你的表是不是还在走。”

Intelligent son 聪明的儿子

One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope.   After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"  "Certainly" "You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?" "I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."   "Then why you didn't take it back?"    "I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!" 有一天,父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信,儿子已经拿着信跑了,父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。 儿子回来后,父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?” “我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?” “我还以为你不写地址和收信人,是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢!”


This story is told of a browbeating counsel,who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses. One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations. “I want‘yes’or‘no,’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!” “But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no,’”mildly responded the witness. “There are not!” snapped the lawyer. “Oh,” said the witness,“answer this then:Have you ceased beating your wife?” 这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师,他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。 有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。 “我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’,”辩护律师怒喝道: “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。” “可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。 “不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。 “噢,”证人说:“那么请你回答这个问题:你停止打你老婆了吗?”


Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!" 两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说:“我听到警报响了,快跳吧!” 第二个说:“但是我们现在在第13层啊!” 第一个尖叫着回敬他:“都什么时候了,还这么迷信!”


A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk. 一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边:千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么,说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么? 雨,店员说。

How to Become Rich 如何致富

Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month. 弟弟:我看见你亲我姐姐了,如果你不给我五分钱,我就告诉我爸。姐姐的男朋友:不要那样做。给你五分钱。弟弟:我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。


On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam. 我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天,听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前,我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了,随后,我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布:考虑到试题的难度,今天的考试我们决定开卷。

Christmas Eve Service平安夜礼拜

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!" 就在我开始平安夜祷告时,教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛,把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛,整理了一下笔记后,我说:“刚才我讲到哪儿了?”传来一阵不耐烦的声音:“马上就讲完了!”

圣诞老人的真实职业 Santa's True Profession

Do You Know Santa's True Profession? Consider the following: 1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants." 2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. 3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work. 4. Santa doesn't work a 40-hour week. 5. Santa travels a lot. Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure! 圣诞老人的真实职业是什么? 考虑以下几点 1. 你其实从来没见过圣诞老人,你看见的都是他得助手(他得助手真的好多,除了过圣诞节的所有父母外,还有职业“圣诞老人”) 2. 圣诞老人不想退休,就可以一直当他的圣诞老人。 3. 圣诞老人不会做实事,他都是指挥一堆帮手帮他做完所有的事情,但是事情做得好还是不好,功绩和责任都算圣诞老人的。 4. 圣诞老人实行的可不是朝九晚五双休制。 5. 圣诞老人经常旅行 圣诞老人显然是一个高级职员(please, 这世界上还有比他的工作更好的工作吗?)


Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time? Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages. Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail. 老师:凯温,这次你怎么又迟到了? 凯温:对不起,老师,我在家钉钉子,砸坏了两个手指头。 老师:怎么没有扎绷带呀? 凯温:噢,砸的不是我的手指头,我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry." Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把Jim拉了上来。 当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室. “Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了。坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。” Mary说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”


In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?" "To be deaf," replied the boy. "Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily. "Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully. 在一次音乐学院的入学考试中,老师问其中一个男孩:"音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么?" "耳聋,"男孩答道。 "胡说!"老师气愤地说。 "怎么了,先生!难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗?"男孩轻蔑地反问道。

拍卖会上 At Auction Fair

At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document. The owner says, "once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her." On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子,家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."   拍卖会上,有人的包丢了,里面装有重要文件。物主说:“有谁拣到送还,我将拿出200美元以表酬谢。” 话刚出口,就听有人喊:“我出300美元。”


Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid." 我在邮局上班,对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以,有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时,我还是非常平静地问她,“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了,”女顾客说,“我回到家的时候,我看到一个卡片,卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹,但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后,我把包裹给了她。“噢,太好了”,那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。


A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors ... but after 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?" 有个妇女去看病,为她诊治的是一名年轻的医生。检查进行了大约四分钟,她哭着跑了出去,在走廊里面一边跑一边大叫着。一位老医生拦住了她,问她发生了什么事,妇女告诉了他事情的经过。听她说完,老医生让她坐在另一间屋子里放松一下,他自己穿过走廊来到新医生的办公室:“你是怎么搞的?特里太太今年63岁,她的四个孩子都成年了,还有7个孙子孙女,可是你居然对她说她怀孕了?”新医生继续做着他的纪录,眼皮都没抬一下:“她现在还打嗝吗?”

太晚了 It's Too Late

A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains."  A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago."  一个医科学生被要求说明他给病人服的那种药的用量。他立即回答道:“五粒。” 一分钟后,这个学生问教授:“我可以改正我的回答吗?”教授看看手表,说:“太晚啦,你的病人已在30秒钟以前死了。”


我们外国同事突然问我:你们中国人最爱用的外语口头禅是不是“what‘s up‘?感觉你们见面时常说“what‘s up‘,有时候自己对着电脑都会自言自语说,是受美国文化影响么?我想了半天是不是有这么回事,然后突然恍然大悟,对她说:我操!

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