当前位置: 首页 » 笑话大全 » 英语笑话 » 正文

英语小笑话,最希望得到的签名

发布时间:2017-12-27     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
最希望得到的签名

Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma." 我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是:“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的一样,大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是,最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生,他说:“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”

A Man of Actions

A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!” A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another. Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?” He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from   Oxford this very evening!” 一群学生聚在牛津的校园里,一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道:“毋庸置疑,如果那个家伙不收回他今早  对我说的话,我今晚就离开牛津。” 下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说:“我们要支持他、学习他。” 突然,一个女孩问道:“那家伙对你说什么了,霍波?” 他弯下腰小声说:“哦,呃…呃…,罗斯小姐,呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”

We Left Nothing 我们什么也没留下

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING." When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added: "THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!" 布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门,在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条:“家里没人,请不要留下任何东西!” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开,房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上,她发现被补充了一句:“谢谢!我们什么也没留下!”

Good news or Bad news?

An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "Give me the good news first," the artist demanded. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor."以为艺术家在一个画廊办了个展览,他问店主是否有人对他参展的画感兴趣。 “我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。”店主回答。 “先告诉我好消息。”画家要求道。 “好消息是一位绅士询问了你的作品,还问它是否会在你死后增。我告诉他会的,然后他买下了你所有的15幅画作。” “那太棒了!”画家惊叹。“那么什么会是坏消息呢?” 店主想了想之后说:“问那个问题的是你的医生”。

One real man

The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely(严格地,严厉地). Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel(劝告,建议) to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. It's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted(胆小的) dunces(傻瓜) why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall. Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds. 一个真正的男子汉 古代有一个国王,他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样,受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前,警告说,哪个男人胆敢不说实话,就会受到严厉的惩罚。 然后,他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧,只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。 国王说:看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉,真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋,为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。 陛下,那人尖声地回答:因为在我出门之前,我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。

怎么把口香糖取出来呢

How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears? 怎么把口香糖取出来呢当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候,她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后,一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前,说道:“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

第一次开出租车

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." 乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀,想问个问题。司机大叫起来,车也失去了控制,几乎撞上一辆公车,还上了便道,在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来。 司机说:“伙计,别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说,“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说:“对不起,也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租,以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”

Two Pieces of Cake 两块蛋糕

Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two! 汤姆:妈妈,我可以吃两块蛋糕吗? 妈妈:当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧

世界各地的蹩脚英语

①If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself。 日本旅馆:如果您想调节您房间的温度,请控制您自己。 ②Please don't feed the animals. If you have any food, please give it to the guard on duty。 匈牙利动物园:请不要给动物喂食。如果您有食品,请喂给值班警卫。 ③Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar。 挪威酒吧:女士们不要在酒吧里生孩子。 ④Fur coats made for ladies from their skins。 瑞典皮货商店:为女士们制作的皮大衣,是用她们的皮制成的。 ⑤Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists 。 香港牙科诊所:由最新的卫理公会教徒给您拔牙。 ⑥Drop your trousers here for best results。 泰国的干洗店:在这里脱掉您的裤子,等待最好的结果。 ⑦Specialist in women and other diseases。 意大利妇科诊所:我们是women和其他疾病的专家。 ⑧Welcome to the cemetery where famous Russian artists are buried daily except Thursday。 俄国公墓:欢迎访问这个公墓,许多著名的俄国艺术家每天埋在这里,但星期四不埋。 ⑨We take your bags and send them in all directions。 丹麦机场:我们将拿走您的行李,送往四面八方。 ⑩The manager has personally passed all water served here。 墨西哥旅馆:旅馆经理将亲自为您撒尿。

疯人院 The Looney Bin

Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"   The first inmate said, "God told me!"   Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"   一天晚上,在疯人院里,一个病人说:“我是拿破仑!”另一个说:“你怎么知道?”第一个人说:“上帝对我说的!”一会儿,一个声音从另一个房间传来:“我没说!”

Where is the father?父亲在哪儿?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!” “是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?” 哥哥想了会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

动机

My English professor once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother." 我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走?”他问道,“是什么让你每天上学来?又是什么驱使你追求成功?”冲着一个女学生,他问:“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢?”学生答道:“我妈妈。”

机长的录音

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording. 这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员,欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去,你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看,你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋,那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏,上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有我们的一名女乘务员。这是一段录音。

传教士买鹦鹉A preacher is buying a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot. 一个传教士在买鹦鹉。 "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher. “你确信它不会尖叫,大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。 "Oh absolutely. He's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him. “噢,绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主向他保证。 "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm." “你看见它腿上的那些细绳了吗?当你拉动右边这根,它会背诵天主经;当你拉动左边那根,它会背诵赞美诗。” "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?" “太棒了!”传教士说,“但是如果我同时拉动两根绳子,会发生什么呢?” "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot. “我会从树干上掉下去,你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。

Isn’t it wonderful?

"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man. "I broke a mirror," he replied. "But that means seven years of bad luck." "I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?" 这难道不好吗? “你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。 “我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。 “但那预示着7年的坏运气。” “我知道。”他高兴地说,“这难道不好吗?”

我可以存多少钱

Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.Wife: And now?Husband: Now I'm thinking about how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.丈夫:在娶你进门之前,我从来没有想过要存钱。妻子:那现在呢?丈夫:现在我在想,要是没有娶你的话,我可以存多少钱。

我是单身汉

Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back. 杰克骑车摔伤,去医院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。 杰克填好后递上表格。 "Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "l'm a bachelor." “还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有!”杰克想了想说,“我是个单身汉。”

吝啬鬼的聚会

The Mean Mans Party The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?" 吝啬鬼的聚会 一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后,再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?” “天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答,“你总不会空着手来吧?”


 
推荐文章
点击排行
 
网站首页 | 关于我们 | 联系方式 | 使用协议 | 版权隐私 | 建议留言 | 粤ICP备14050309号-2