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英语幽默小笑话,At a Department Store 在百货商店里

发布时间:2017-12-26     来源:大王  浏览次数:1
At a Department Store 在百货商店里

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” 一个结巴壮汉走进一家百货公司问柜员:“男……男装部在……在哪儿?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. 柜台后的柜员看着他不搭话。 The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. 那男人又重复道:“男装……装部在……在哪儿?”柜员还是不理他。 The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. 壮汉问了好几遍柜员依旧如故。最后,壮汉气冲冲地走了。 The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?” 排在后面的顾客问那个柜员:“你怎么不答人家话呀?” The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!” 柜员说:“你……你觉着我……我想找打……打是吧!?”

玫瑰

On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman. Are these for your wife, sir? she asked. Yes, I said. For her birthday? she asked. No, I replied. For your anniversary? No, I said again. As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you. 一天晚上回家的路上,我看到一家花店外面有一些刚剪下来的玫瑰。我挑了一打,走进店里,一个年轻的女售货员跟我打了个招呼。 先生,这些是送给你妻子的吗?她问道。 是的,我说。 她的生日?她问。 不是,我回答。 你们的结婚纪念日? 不是,我又答道。 当我将找回的钱装进口袋,朝门口走去时,那年轻的女人冲我喊道:希望她能原谅你。

我要做的一切就是付钱!All I do is pay

"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign secretary."   "Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"   "I’m the people. All I do is pay." 布朗先生告诉同事说:“我的家简直就象一个国家一样。我妻子   是财政部长。我岳母是作战部长,我女儿是外交秘书。”   “听上去挺有意思的,”他的同事说,“那你的职务是什么呢?”   “我就是老百姓。我要做的一切就是付钱。”

Two Birds 两只鸟

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗? 学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。 老师:请说说看。 学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

他们全都淹死了

The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch(故障) arose over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron(赞助人,主顾) was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub(涂抹,涂料) of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchaser. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned. 一天,有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海图。这幅画刚开始不久,酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现,完成这幅画后,他只能得到他想要的大约一半的钱。当作品完成之后,那位主顾被请来看画。其实,这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海,是那次著名的航海。这就是,霍迦斯回答说。可是以色列人在哪儿?他们都已经渡过去了。埃及人在哪儿?他们全都淹死了。

为什么不呼救

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse. 警察:有人抢你的手表时,你为什么不呼救呢?男子:要是我张口的话,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙,那就更糟了。

代课教师

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up." Right away, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" 代课教师试图运用她的心理学知识。开始上课时,她说:“谁觉得自己很愚蠢,请站起来。”小约翰马上站起来了。老师问:“为什么你觉得你很愚蠢呢,小约翰?”“我不觉得我很蠢,只是我不愿意你一个人站在那!”

The doctor lives downstairs医生住在楼下

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." “医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。” 他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

智力缺陷

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." “医生,你能不能告诉我,”鲍勃问,“对于一个看上去很正常的人,你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢?”“再没有比这容易的了,”医生回答,“问他一个简单的问题,简单到所有人都知道答案,如果他回答得不干脆,那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢?”“嗯,你可以这样问,‘库克船长环球旅行了三次,但是在其中一次的途中他去世了,是哪一次呢?’”鲍勃想了一会儿,紧张的回答道,“你就不能问另外一个问题吗?坦率地说,我对历史了解的不是很多。”

粗心的教授

The absent-minded professor shouted: "Kate, come to the blackboard!" Another student says, "Kate is absent, Professor." "Silent! Let Kate speak for herself."粗心的教授大声地喊道:“凯特,到黑板前面来!”另外一个学生说:“教授,凯特没来。”“别出声,让凯特自己讲。”

Cry

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying." "Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any." "But has he finished his own cake?" "Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that." “汤姆,你弟弟怎么了?” 妈妈在厨房里问。“他在哭。” “没事儿,妈妈,”汤姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。” “他已经吃完自己的了么?” “是的。”“我帮他吃完时,他也哭了。”

救出哪幅画?

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?" The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit." 一份报纸组织了一场竞赛,为下面的问题征集最佳答案:“如果卢浮宫起了火,而你只能救出一幅画,你将救出哪一幅?” 获奖的答案是:“最接近门口的那一幅。”

A Problem in Arithmetic

Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily. One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store. "Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man. "Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you." Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word. 比尔是一个好学生,也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学,课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。 有一天,在上学路上,比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着:“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转,进了店门。 “苹果怎么卖?” “五美分六个。” “但我不想要六个。” “你想要几个?” “这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。” “数学问题?你说这话是什么意思?” “你看,如果六个苹果五美分,那么五个苹果四美分,四个苹果三美分,三个苹果二美分,二个苹果一美分,一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果,如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话,那我也就没必要给你钱了。” 比尔拣了一个好苹果,开始吃了起来,然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩,一句话也说不出来。

没想到那么贵

A shoplifter 51kxh.cn |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend." 一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着,”小偷说,“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下,然后我们就当什么也没发生,你看怎样?”经理表示同意,然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道:“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点,你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”

我可以回家了

Now i can go home One day after school the teacher said to his students,“Tomorrow morning,if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day,when the teacher came into the classroom,he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked,“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me,”said Bob,“Now,I can go home,Good-bye,Sir! ” 我 可 以 回 家 了 一天,放学以后,老师对他的学生们说:“明天上午,如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题,我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天,老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂,他非常生气地问:“谁涂的? 请站起来。”鲍勃说:“先生,是我,现在我可以回家了,再见。”

马克·吐温

On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York,the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned:it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran: MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain,we believe,never heard the last of it. 有一次,马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问,《星报》认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是,还有一条消息也要登上:关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的: 马克·吐温 光临 爱斯科杯 被盗 我们相信,马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。

A Boy with a Big Head大头娃娃

A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."   "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes." "Where is the shopping bag?"    "I haven't got one-use your hat." 一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道:“他们都取笑我,说我脑袋大。” “别听他们的,”他母亲安慰道,“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦,别哭了,去商店买十斤土豆来。”    “购物袋在哪儿?”    “没购物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”

大手

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?Student: Big hands. 老师:如果我左手上有7个桔子,右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么?学生:大手。


 
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