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英语幽默小笑话,瞎子的判断

发布时间:2017-12-24     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
瞎子的判断

once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long. 从前有个瞎子。一天,他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋,狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走,这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴,狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗,惊诧地说:奇怪,这只狗可真够长的。

医生住在楼下

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs." “我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。” 他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

埋在花园里的枪

Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." 一个老人独居在北爱尔兰,他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆,但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事,儿子回信说道:“看在上帝的面上,千万不要翻松花园的泥土,我把枪埋在那儿了。”第二天凌晨4点,一队英国士兵出现在老人家中,在花园把土地翻遍,但并没有找到任何枪支。” 老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情,问到底发生了什么事情,下一步应该怎么做。 儿子回信道:“你只管种土豆好了。”

there's only ONE policeman

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?”“唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”

Not so fast 别那么急嘛

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(欢庆的) charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." 一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂,那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。 在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议:他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。 “好主意!”鸡尖叫道,“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧?” “着什么急”猪不耐烦地说,“对你来说,是一个贡献,对我来说,这是一个完全的献身。”

I Taught the Teacher 我教老师

Mother asked her little boy, Darling, what did the teacher teach you today? Nothing, Mum, answered the son proundly, instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three. 母亲问她年幼的儿子:宝贝,今天老师教了你些什么?   儿子骄傲地说:什么都没教,妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几,我告诉她等于三。

点名

On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose. Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "He's taking attendance." 大学的第一天,文学课我坐在了前排。教授告诉我们这学期必须得读五本书,他提供我们可供选择的作者名单。随后他缓步走上讲台,拿出课本,“贝克、布莱克、布鲁斯、卡特、库克…”为了写下所有的名字,我不得不疯狂的作着记录。这时有人轻轻的拍我肩膀,坐在我后面的学生悄悄告诉我:“他在点名呢。”

一笑而过英文版

你伤害了Word,还Excel而过,你Access的贪婪,我Outlook懦弱。One泪Note过,回忆是多Binder,只怪自己Mail你PowerPoint。

愚蠢的问题Stupid Question

Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?" After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so. “Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?” 丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口,而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点?” 几个月后,丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了,我要去买一只大钟,把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟,把它挂在了墙上。 “现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。 可是打那以后,每天仍有许多人停下来,看看钟,然后问丹:“这钟准吗?”

超速的司机A Speeding Motorist

A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.   "Yes, sir," replied the driver.    "Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"    "I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back. 一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗?”他责问道。    “知道,长官,”司机回答说。 “那你为什么不立即靠边停车?”    “我本来想这样做的,长官。”那男子回答说,“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了,我是害怕你把她带回来。”

一分钟一百万

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second." 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

Three Men in a Boat

Three Men in a Boat Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. "Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends. "In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!" "Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously. 三人同舟 三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸,另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵,放线,并卷线把鱼抓上来。 一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象,他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。 “喔,认识,”他说,“他们是我的朋友。” “那样的话,”警察告诫说,“你最好把他们从这里弄走。” “好的,警官。”那男子回答说,接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。

only One Instance

Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words: ″I have known many an instance(实例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″ 一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。 他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们:“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。”

To Buy a Video 买录像机

Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video. I’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his mother. But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video. How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother. Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television! 艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台录像机。 恐怕我们还买不起,妈妈叹息着说。 可第二天当艾莫斯回来时,他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。 你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西?妈妈大吃一惊,喘着气说。 妈妈,这简单, 艾曼斯回答。我把电视机给卖了!

Goodbye, Money

On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home. As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey." Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie." My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money." 迪斯尼之旅 弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游,我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后,我们要回家了。 当我们驱车离开时,儿子挥手说:“再见,美奇。” 女儿挥着手说,“再见,美妮。” 丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手,说道:“再见,美元。”

Back Up Two Miles退后两英里

A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn .   "If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.    "Back up two miles," replied the farmer. 一位农夫和他的儿子乘坐轻便马车来到一段窄路,他们遇到一个开车的人向相反的方向去。两个方向的两英里以内都没有地方可以使他们相擦而过。驾车人甚是着急,按响了喇叭。 “如果你不后退,”农夫说着撸起了袖子,“我可不喜欢我将不得不做的事。”司机吃惊不小,挂上倒挡,向后退了两英里,让轻便马车先过去。    “刚才在那儿你说过的你不喜欢要做的事是什么?”农夫的儿子问道。    “退后两英里,”农夫回答道。

Who Should be Given the Present

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里,把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话,从不和妈妈顶嘴,让干什么就干什么?”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿,孩子们异口同声地说:“爸爸,您玩儿吧。”

a King from a Knave

George Ⅲ asked the once wellknown wit, Horne Tooke,whether he could play cards.Your Majesty, replied Tooke, I am a mere childwhere cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave. 乔治三世问一度大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克,会不会玩纸牌。陛下,图克回答说:在玩纸牌方面,我只不过是幼儿园的水平。我甚至分不清国王和无赖。


 
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