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英语幽默小笑话,Excellent Skills

发布时间:2017-12-23     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
Excellent Skills

After friends of mine landed at busy Newwark Airport, they were unable to attract the attention of any porters to help with their luggage. In desperation, the husband took out a five-dollar bill and waved it above the crowd. In an instant, a skycap was at his side. "Sir," observed the porter, " you certainly have excellent communication skills. 我的朋友们在繁忙的纽瓦克机场着陆后,他们却不能招呼到脚夫来帮他们搬行李。无奈,丈夫拿出一张五美元的钞票在人群上面摇晃。 一个带宽边帽的人马上来到他身边。“先生,”脚夫说道,“很明显你有绝妙的交际技巧。”

轻率的插话

The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. " Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!" 我所工作的精品家具商店是从20世纪二十年代以来就营业的。最近我接到一个妇女的电话。她想换一套餐具中的一些椅子。这套餐具她是在三十年代从我们这儿买的。我向她保证说我们可以帮她的忙,于是我向部门经理寻求帮助。“你永远也不会相信,”我对他说,“我刚接到一个顾客的电话,她在三十年代从我们这里买了一些椅子。” 我还没来得及说她的要求,经理就打断了我的话:“你别告诉我她到现在还没收到货!”

Put your feet in把脚放进去

The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!" 一个女学生坐在座位上,嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖,脚却伸到课桌间的走道里,被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事,老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来,把脚放进去。”

The Choice of Word选词

One day, John was back home after work. He found that his wife was shaking their daughter who was only half a year old. She said "Da-Dy" to the baby many times. John felt very happy because he thought his wife chose the word "Dady" to teach their baby.   During one night several weeks later, John and his wife were waken up by the cry "Dady". His wife said to him, "Darling, she is calling you." Then she turned to sleep. 一天下班回家,约翰发现妻子在摇半岁的女儿,嘴里反复念道:“爸-爸。”约翰心里感到美滋滋的,他的妻子选择了“爸爸”这个词首先教孩子。    几周后的一天夜里,约翰和妻子被一阵哭声惊醒了,“爸-爸!”“她在叫你,亲爱的。”妻子说,然后翻身竟自睡了。

Who is Stupid 谁愚蠢

A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" Little Johnny then stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" 一个老师在对学生们讲心理学,“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。 小约翰尼站了起来。 “你认为你很蠢吗,小约翰尼?”老师问。 “不是的,老师,我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”

几月走的

When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.  The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?" 杰克给人鞠躬,飞快地一点头,就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说,“下次鞠躬的时候,你就在心里数:正月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止,然后再直起身来。这样,礼节就周全了。” 第二天,杰克见到他的叔叔,他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久,叔叔吃了一惊,赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看,其叔早已不知去向,他便问过路人:“我叔叔几月走的?”

新生儿

The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much,so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes,”said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said,“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now,because the new baby's coming,”his mother answered. “ It's no use,”said Pat hopelessly.“ He'll follow us there.” 泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩,名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。 帕特在别人家看见过婴儿,他不太喜欢他们,所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满。 一天晚上,泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说:“有了婴儿,我们的房子就太小,不够住了。” 帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋,他问:“你们在说什么?”他的母亲回答说:“我们在说我们现在得搬家,因为婴儿就要诞生了。” “那没用,”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

绝配

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman. Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous. Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son."Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?" "Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase." 一个富有的主妇很是骄傲因为她收藏了一件非常有价值的古董花瓶,于是她决定把卧室粉刷成与花瓶同样的颜色。许多油漆匠都试图尽力与花瓶的颜色匹配,但是没有任何人能做得 让那古怪的女人满意的。 一个油漆匠很自信他能做到,最终他成功了。那个主妇很满意,于是这个油漆匠也变得很出名。 多年以后,油漆匠要退休了,他把自己的生意交给儿子去经营。“爸爸”儿子问“我还有些事情想知道,你怎么能把墙粉刷得和花瓶的颜色那么相配?”“儿子”爸爸回答到“我只不过是把花瓶刷了。”

新西兰的气候

The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老师:马修,新西兰的气候怎么样? 马修:先生,那里的天气很冷。 老师:错了。 马修:可是,先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

Whose father was the stronger

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it." Bill wasn't impressed, "Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!" 维尔和比尔在争吵,谁的爸爸是更强壮的一个。维尔说:“你知道太平洋吗?那个坑是我爸爸挖的。” 比尔不屑地说:“那没什么。你知道死海吗? 那是我爸爸打死的。”

小心有狗

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!" 一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店,看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着,“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后,他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人问店主。“是,就是他”,店主回答。 听到这个回答, 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么?” “因为,” 店主解释说,“在我帖告示之前, 大伙老被他绊倒。”

What Was It She Wanted?

A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No,ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified,the manager came runningover to the customer and said,“Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside:“Never, never, never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk. 一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:“不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:“当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边:“千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么?” “雨,”店员说。

Son and Dad

Son: "Dad, you are available to you on Friday afternoon?" Dad: "What ah?" Son: "mini-school parents have to open the forum!" Dad: "What is micro-parents forum?" Son: "It's only a class, you and I participate in!" 儿子:“爸爸,星期五下午您有空吗?” 爸爸:“什么事啊?” 儿子:“学校要开微型家长座谈会!” 爸爸:“什么叫微型家长座谈会?” 儿子:“就是只有班主任,你和我参加!”

父亲在哪?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!” “是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?” 哥哥想了一会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

sells the candy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了?” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。 “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?” “她是个卖糖果的。”

Good Sight

Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away. 律师:你说你离事故现场约有35英尺,你能看清多远的东西?证人:这么说吧,早上起床后我看见太阳,别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。

What Was It She Wanted?

A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No,ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified,the manager came runningover to the customer and said,“Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside:“Never, never, never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk. 一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:“不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:“当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边:“千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么?” “雨,”店员说。

神父,他有AIDS

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩:神父,我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父:孩子,你犯了什么罪呢?Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩:昨天,我骂了某个男人一句:“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父:为什么?他对你做了什么吗?Girl: He touched my breast.女孩:他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部)Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩:(因为神父的举动而有一些害羞)嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父:只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩:但是...他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服)Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩:是的,是这样子没错。Preacher: That s still no reason to call him that.神父:可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩:然後...他把他的...那个...放到我的...那个...里面...Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父:(奸笑貌)你是说像这样子吗?(神父和女孩就那个那个了) Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩:(数分钟後)喔...是的...就是这样子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父:我亲爱的孩子,就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩:但是他有AIDS呀!Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父:那个狗娘养的!!!


 
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