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英语笑话,万能的圣诞老人并非啥都知道

发布时间:2017-12-22     来源:大王  浏览次数:2
万能的圣诞老人并非啥都知道

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" 一个女孩爬到圣诞老人的膝盖上,圣诞老人例行公事的问:“今年圣诞节你想要什么呢?” 孩子瞪大眼睛惊讶的望着圣诞老人一分钟都没讲话,然后喘着气说到:“你没收到我的电子邮件吗?(我想要什么都写上面了,万能的圣诞老人咋能不知道捏)”

预报天气的印第安人

The Indian Who Could Foretell the Weather Two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of America. For days they had not even seen a house, only a few huts made of wood, or tents made of skins. Then one day they met an old Indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur. They found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him. One of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days. “Oh yes,”he said.“Rain is coming, and wind.Then there will be snow for two days, but after that there will be bright sunshine.” “Is n't that wonderful?” said one man to his friend.“These old Indians know more of the secrets of Nature than we do with all our science. They have not been spoiled by civilization.” Then he turned to the old Indian. “Tell me,”he said,“how you knew all that.” The Indian replied,“I heard it on the radio.” 有两个人在美洲一个非常荒凉偏僻的地区旅行。好多天来,他们连所房子也没看到,只看见几个木棚子和皮帐篷。一天,他们遇到一个靠猎取兽皮谋生的印第安老人。他们发现他懂得他们的语言,就和他聊了一会儿。其中一个人问他,能否告知近几天的天气如何。 “哦,行啊”,他说。“就要下雨了,还要刮风。接着还得下两天雪。这以后,就是大晴天了。” “这不是太神奇了吗?”一个旅行者对他的朋友说。“这些印第安老人深知大自然的秘密,比我们有科学知识的人知道的还多。他们并没有被现代文明所迷惑。”接着他转向印第安老人: “请问,”他说,“你是怎么知道这一切的呢?” 印第安老人答道:“我是从无线电里听来的。”

可怜的人

"Oh, my poor man," exclaimed the kind old lady, "It must be dreadful to be lame. But it would be much worse if you were blind." "You're absolutely right," said the beggar, obviously an old hand at the game." When I was blind, people kept giving me foreign coins." "啊,可怜的人,"善良的老妇人惊叹道。"脚瘸就够惨的了,要是眼瞎就更糟了。" "你说的一点儿没错,"那乞丐说。他显然是乞讨老手。"我眼瞎的时候,人们老是给我外币。"

A Duel 决斗

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!" 小彼得从操场回到家时,鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。 显然他刚与人恶斗了一番,而且打输了。父亲问儿子发生了什么事。“噢,爸爸,彼得说,我向拉里挑起决斗,而且我让他挑选武器。” “嗯,”父亲说,“这看上去很公平!” “我知道,但我没想到他选择了他姐姐!”

Now I have two skunks in there

"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?" "Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open." Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher. "No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!" “我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬,”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来?” “弄一些面包屑,”调度员说;“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。” 一段时间后,那人又打电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗?”调度员问他。 “没有,”打电话的人答道,“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

一切都正常

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, Mom, the toast is burned. You talked! You talked! Shouted his mother. I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long? Well, up till now, Said the boy, things have been okay. 一对年轻夫妇有个儿子,已经四岁了,还没有开口说话,他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治,但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时,那孩子突然开口了:妈妈,面包烤焦了。 你说话了!你说话了!他母亲叫了起来。我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢? 哦,在这之前,那男孩说,一切都很正常。

知道"Family"这个单词的含义吗?

知道"Family"这个单词的含义吗? 爸 F ather和 A nd妈 M other我 I爱 L ove你 Y ou爸妈我爱你=家庭。

交通事故

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.' 有个人开车行驶在上班的路上,一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车,当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来,他就拼命的挣扎着,最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿,他平静了,别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎,他说:“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了,当我醒过来,我发现我躺在了路边,前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’,但是有个人挡住了那个“S”。”

I want a nightmare 想做坏梦

Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam." "Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said. 在期末考试之前,汤姆告诉他的母亲:“妈妈,我昨天晚上做了一个梦,梦见我通过了今天的考试。” “不要相信梦,亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。 “那么,我真希望在今晚的梦中,我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。

我干得怎么样 How did I do

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.  The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!" 一名新警察与老警察开着警车第一次出去巡逻。 他们得到命令去疏散一群闲逛的人,于是他们开车去了那条街,看到路口站着一群人。  新警察摇下窗户:“大家注意了,快离开这里。”人们看了他几眼,没理他。他喊起来:“离开这里,马上离开!”大家都不知道怎么回事,但是在他的威胁下还是离开了。  新警察对他第一次执行公务的结果很满意,对老警察说:“我干得怎么样?”“你做得很好,”老警察笑着说,“尤其是在公共汽车站。”

最丑的孩子

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." 一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车,司机看到后说:“额,那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." 女士走到车厢后面坐下,感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说:“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说:“你快上去斥责他。去吧,我替你抱着你的猴子。”

Three pastors 三个牧师

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(阁楼) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(钟楼) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away. The third said, I baptized(洗礼) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since! 三个南部的牧师在一家小餐馆里吃午饭。其中的一个说道:“你们知道吗,自从夏天来临,我的教堂的阁楼和顶楼就被蝙蝠骚扰,我用尽了一切办法----噪音、喷雾、猫----似乎什么都不能把它们赶走。” 另外一位说:“是啊,我也是。在我的钟楼和阁楼也有好几百只。我曾经请人把整个地方用烟熏消毒一遍,它们还是赶不走。” 第三个牧师说:“我为我那里的所有蝙蝠洗礼,让它们成为教会的一员......从此一只也没有再回来过。”

All Except the Music除了音乐

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?" "Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is." 一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐,就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象,她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候,她问小萨莉:“你今天玩得好吗?” “噢,好极了,小姐,” 萨莉说,“除了音乐其它都很好。”

I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士

One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women. 一天,一家百货公司的女装大减价,一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是,没过多久,他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。 He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd. 他竭力地忍耐着。后来,他低下头,挥舞双臂,挤过人群。 "You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?" “你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道,“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?” "Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady." “听着,”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起,我要表现得像一位女士。”

An Exceptional Phenomenon(罕见)

4-year-old Begin and his cousin scrambled (攀爬,争抢) for toys. His mum told him: “ You are older brother because you’re older than your (cousin) sister. You should give ground to her. ” Begin thought a little but maintained(坚持) : “ My sister must give ground to me when she grows older than I.” His uncle around overheard and said : “Such a thing hardly occurs.” 四岁的贝京和小妹妹争玩具。妈妈对他说:“你大,你是哥哥,要让着小妹妹点儿。” 贝京想了想,坚持说:“等妹妹长得比我大了,她也得让着我。”姨夫在一旁听了说:“这种情况相当罕见。

给我那个打赢的

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then.服务员,这个龙虾只有一只爪。对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。哦,那给我那个打赢的吧。

捎杯牛奶

At 2 a. m, Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she had heard a prowler in the living, room. "Tiptoe down-stairs," she told her husband. "Don' t turn on the lights. Sneak up him before he knows what's happening    Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe. Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk." 半夜两点,科尔肯太太确信听到客厅有贼,便对丈夫说:“别开灯,蹑手蹑脚下楼,别让贼发觉,悄悄靠近他。” 科尔肯先生披上外套,责无旁贷地去捉贼。刚走到卧室门口,他妻子又补充说:“回来时给我捎杯牛奶。”

A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"   Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?" 婚后已久,我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我们结婚35周年纪念的早上,我们正坐在早餐桌旁,我暗示道:“亲爱的,你意识到我们在这两个相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了吗?”    他放下报纸,眼睛直直地望着我:“因此,你想交换座位吗?”


 
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