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简单英语笑话,The Use of a Handsaw

发布时间:2017-12-13     来源:大王  浏览次数:0
The Use of a Handsaw

At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse. Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside. Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please. The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special. 在集市上,我和妻子买了一些五金用品,包括一个手锯。我们返回汽车时刚好路过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧,”我妻子建议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的,但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说:“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我,看了看我的锯,说道:“我能看出,先生,你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”

班级、情人和蠢驴

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way. 汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面,因此他在黑板上写道:“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后,觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了,就走上前,将“class”中的“c”擦掉,教授听到笑声,转过身走回来,看了看那位学生,又看看被改动过的通知,不动声色地走上前,把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉,看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生,教授扬长而去。

汪汪叫的妻子

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married,I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop,and my little dog would race around barking,and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home,my dog brings me my slippers,and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about,”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.” 一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。“刚结婚那会儿,我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家,我的小狗会绕着我跑,汪汪叫,而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里,我的狗给我拿来拖鞋,我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么,”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。”

交通事故

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.' 有个人开车行驶在上班的路上,一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车,当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来,他就拼命的挣扎着,最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿,他平静了,别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎,他说:“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了,当我醒过来,我发现我躺在了路边,前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着‘壳牌’,但是有个人挡住了那个“S。”

你踩到我脚了

Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot! 牙医:请不要再叫了,我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊! 病人:但是,亲,你可知道,你踩到我脚了!!!

狗也知道这个谚语吗?

The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog. "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?" "Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?" 一个小女孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。“没有关系,”一位先生说,“不用害怕,你知道这条谚语吗:‘吠狗不咬人。’”“啊,我是知道,可是狗也知道吗?”

现在几点了

The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud." "How will that help?" said the second boy. "Just do it," insisted the first. Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?" 两个男孩子在后院露营,他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是,一个男孩对另外一个说:“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。” “那就会知道时间吗?”第二个男孩问。 “只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。 两个孩子开始大声唱歌,过了一会儿,一个邻居打开窗户喊道:“小声点!你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗?”

Part-time Job业余工作

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" 我儿子在一所中学读二年级时,在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。 “第一天感觉如何?”我问。 “好极了,爸爸。”他答道,“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。” 由于斯蒂芬不善言谈,我问道:“你跟他们说了些什么?” “你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装?”

Give up your seat to a lady 给女士让座

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "You've done the right thing," says Mommy. "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap." 小强尼说:“妈妈,今天早上和爸爸在公车上时,他叫我让座给一位女士。” 妈妈说:“你做得很对呀。” “但是,妈妈,我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”

Another 40 Years to live

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you." 一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院, 在手术台上,濒临死亡之际,她看到了上帝, 于是,她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说,“还没有,你还能活43年,2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候,这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年,得好好对待自己,于是决定先不出院,而是去给自己整整容,吸吸脂,隆隆胸,然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术,这位女士出院了, 但就在过马路的时候,她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次,她又站到了上帝的面前,她大惑不解地问上帝,“我记得你说我还能再活40年?” 上帝回答,“那个时候我没认出你来”。

哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?" 我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴,和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者,我应该说,他是有点矮!一天,经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入,高声说,“有人拿了我的钱包!” 我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声,但有人却蹦出一句话:“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”!

The Monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it." 一男子去酒吧,点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时,发现一只猴子荡下来,在他阻止之前,偷走了啤酒。该男子问酒吧招待,这只猴子是谁的。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问:“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗?”钢琴手回答说:“没有,但是如果你能哼唱,我会为你演奏的。”

Wedding or Not

Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.   Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now! 弗兰克叔叔七十八岁了,富有而健康。他是个终生单身汉。他曾追求过很多女孩,但“从不过热----见好就收”。一天他突发奇想,决定四处走走,去看看他那些接近一打的旧时女友。 他回来即叹道:“嘘!谢天谢地幸亏我没娶那些女人中的任何一个。如今她们都成寡妇了!”

在天堂结婚

A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!" 一对年轻的夫妇在去结婚的路上出了车祸,双双死去了。于是,他们来到了圣徒彼得面前,妻子问是否她还可以和丈夫结婚,圣徒彼得告诉他们,关于这个问题他一有了结果就会回来找他们。差不多30天以后,圣徒彼得回来了,并且告诉他们可以在天堂结婚。妻子又问:“如果生活的不愉快,我们可不可以离婚呢?”圣徒彼得看着她,回答说:“夫人,我花了30天才找到个传教士,难道你真的希望我再去找个律师吗?”

来信

Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words: ″I have known many an instance(实例) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″ 一个星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封,发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。 他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们:“写信时忘了签名的人,我遇到过很多,但只签了名却忘了写信的人,我还是头一次遇到。” Customer: Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster stew. Waiter: Well, you wouldn't expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you? 顾客:服务员,我这个牡蛎炖菜里怎么没有牡蛎? 服务员:是啊,你不会指望在天使蛋糕里发现天使吧?

写给上帝的信

A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes. 有个小男孩非常需要50美元,他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来,他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信,想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了,于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元,因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴,给上帝回了一封感谢信,信里写道:尊敬的上帝,非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而,我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的,因此,和往常一样,那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

A maintenance man in a cemetery

He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物,我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的?墓地守墓人。

精神病医生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!" 杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生,我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候,我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间,”医生说,“每周来三次,我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了,“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”


 
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